My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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