my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize