just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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