i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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