OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
