Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
