everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
