I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize