Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
