the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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