someone threw a dead crab at me
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize