I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
