you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
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