my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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