She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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