I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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