i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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