I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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