I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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