think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
