I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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