All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
