Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
