mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
