respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize