make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
