yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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