I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
