having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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