One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
