Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
