I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I pour the whiskey from now on
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
