There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
