i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
