I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am puke
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
