I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
