OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
