Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Pants are for mortals
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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