Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She told me I should be a condom model.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
