She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
