i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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