I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
