I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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