when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
