I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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