do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
