Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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