God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
