now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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