Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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