Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ladies don't puke and tell
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
