Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
