I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
