sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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