I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
