Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
