She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
