She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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